Time Machine

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the past. In particular, events I wish I could remember but have seemed to be completely erased from my mind.

My maternal grandmother has been going through some problems which have been reminding me a lot of my paternal grandfather. To me he was Pop-Pop and he was the best.

My grandfather died almost three years ago from complications due to dementia. I know it's been three years since he was with us but a part of me still wishes I had a time machine so I could relive the moments where everyone was happy and healthy.

With Christmas coming I think about the past a lot and all of the fun I had as a kid. Life was just free and simple. When it comes to Pop-Pop I find myself having trouble remembering things about him which terrifies me.

Pop-Pop got sick initially during the summer before I started the 7th grade, I believe, (see I can't even remember when he starting getting sick). The thing about Pop-Pop was he was this big, strong, man's man. For me, Pop-Pop had this way of mesmerizing people just with his presence. He wasn't a bullshitter. He didn't seek compliments. He worked hard. He didn't bother anyone. He loved his family. There was just something about Pop-Pop that you couldn't help but have the utmost respect for him. He was simply a great person. So, to watch him deteriorate before my eyes without being able to prevent anything from getting worse was probably the hardest thing I've had to go through.

The experience that I had with Pop-Pop was definitely a character builder and I'll leave it at that. I'm not going to lie, there were moments where I would curse God and blame him for ruining my family especially when I tried to remember pre-dementia Pop-Pop and just couldn't.

What provoked this post was an episode my grandma had today. It quite frankly scared the shit out of me and I just knew she could be heading down the same road Pop-Pop did. First I thought, "I need to remember the good." Then for some reason I was wondering what was the last Christmas I spent with Pop-Pop pre-dementia. I dwelled on it for a bit but I honestly cannot remember which breaks my heart a little.

I do, however, remember one Christmas Pop-Pop and my grandma, who, I affectionately call Nonnie, came to my house to celebrate. I don't know how old I but I'll never forget the present they got me. It was this really awesome MTV karaoke machine that was functioned as a stereo and a TV. I was full of happiness so much so I remember running around the house screaming. I thanked them endlessly and that karaoke machine became a source of great amusement for myself.

The karaoke machine is still in my house and every time I see it I can't help but smile and remember that particular day.

I do have a lot of memories about Pop-Pop. Most are fuzzy but they're there.

I know that Pop-Pop will always be with me but sometimes I wish I can have one of his bear hugs or hear his booming laugh or even get some much needed life advice.

Christmas is time for those you love and celebrating the joys and blessings we have. Pop-Pop is definitely a blessing and I am an extremely lucky person to be able to call him my grandfather. His spirit lives within me and my whole family and will continue to do so whenever I have a family of my own.

Time machines would still be good to have, however, the temptation would be too great to change things. Life works itself out for the strangest reasons. It's hard, but, I think life needs to be difficult so we can truly enjoy those moments of joy. If life was easy then everything would be boring and taken for granted. What's the fun in that?

As Christmas approaches, I hope you kids create good memories. If you're going through a rough patch, I truly know how it feels. It may not get better right away but it will, just hang in there. I'm going through one myself but you just gotta remember the good. Oh, and don't push away your family and friends, they really do know what's in your best interest.

Have a great Christmas/holiday season kids. Hopefully I'll be posting before 2011 greets us, however, if the holiday haze hits me, see you in the new year.

Until then, be safe.

-Catherine

You've Got a Friend in Me

I've decided to name this post after the Randy Newman song. This particular song has always resonated with me with its sweet words. Being an only child I've had to rely on friendships my whole life. Over the years, I had really good friends and not so good friends. But, I wouldn't ask for it any other way.

Having really good friends is probably one of the best things a person can ask for. I'm not talking about the friends that you just get drunk or high with. Or the friends that just go out with you or talk to you in class or at work. I'm talking about the friends that are basically the long lost siblings you've been searching for since birth.

You know who I'm talking about. It could be the new kid in town you met when you were in the 4th grade or the random person sitting next to year in your homeroom freshman year of high school. They are the people that have been through it all with you and have witnessed every emotional roller coster a person can possible go through. They are the people who will not judge, will not talk behind your back, will probably take a bullet for you and won't ever leave you. And you would do all the same for them in a heartbeat.

It's comforting knowing that there are people outside of family that care that much about me. I'm grateful for these very few but special people. I love being able to have a conversation with them at any given time about anything. And I love how if I haven't seen a friend in a long time we can just pick up where we left off and have fun. They are part of my support system and I really rely on them.

I don't think I understood the value of friendship for it's pureness until recently. A lot has shown me the difference between people who will stick around for a very long time, perhaps forever, and those who jump in for the ride at their convenience.

I don't regret any friendship that I've formed. They all mean something to me, they all have taught me something, and they all have helped shaped the person I've become. There are absolutely no regrets, I don't do regret. Everything happens for a reason including the people who come in and out of my life. They all represent something. This is why I wouldn't have it any other way.

So this entry is dedicated to all of my friends the ones present, the ones past, and the ones to come. Thank you for everything and I hope you know how much you mean to me.

I hope everyone has friends like I do. If not, don't worry, they'll turn up soon enough and when they do, life will be less heavy.

Be good kids.

-Catherine

Christmas Time is Coming

Thanksgiving was thoroughly enjoyable this year. It was spent with my dad's family which consists of my grandma, my uncle and my cousin. I always liked spending time with this particular group of family. We also have good conversation, lots of laughs, and lots of nice memories. We had a lovely home cooked meal thanks to my grandma. I must note that I did make the sweet potato casserole which was pretty damn good. After the yummy food I retreated to watch some Dexter as the rest of the family watched the Godfather Part 2 (they started watching in the middle of the film and I still haven't seen it hence me being antisocial). It was a great day with special people. Like I said before there's nothing like family.

It just so happens that Thanksgiving fell on the 25th which marked one month to Christmas! Out of all of the holidays Christmas is by far my favorite. I love the music, the lights, the window displays, the cheer, and the sentiment. Today I kicked off the holiday season with my parents by going to a matinee of The Nutcracker. It was performed at Lincoln Center by the New York City Ballet. Let me say that my first ballet experience was extremely positive. I cannot begin to describe how spectacular The Nutcracker was. The costumes were absolutely gorgeous, the dancing was phenomenal and the music was perfect. I would go see it again in a heartbeat and I hope it is the first of many ballets to come.

Tomorrow my roommates and I will be decorating the apartment which will be a complete winter wonderland. It adds a nice homey touch to the place.

Well this post is kind of pointless. I just needed an outlet to share my teeming excitement over the upcoming month. I hope everyone is excited about the holiday season like I am. If not, I suggest that you buck up and find some goodness within all of this time of year.

Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving! Talk to you guys in December.

Be good kids, and embrace everything that comes your way.

-Catherine

Family Sundays

Growing up, Sundays were family days. The folks and I would go to church in the morning, then in the afternoon have all the family over for a big pasta dinner and then end the day with a bit of homework. A lot has changed since those Sundays.

After starting college I didn't think I would really miss home. But from time to time nostalgia creeps up on me and my heart aches for those loud, laughter filled dinner conversations.

Today was one of those nostalgic filled days. I couldn't help but wonder if my dad and uncle were watching the football game or if my grandpa was watching some cheesy Italian game show. I wondered if my mom made meatballs with the pasta today or if she opted for something else.

I do try to keep up some of the Sunday traditions. I go to church every week. I check up on the football scores. And maybe once a month I'll cook myself a bit of pasta. I do what I can.

The thing about being away from my family is that I feel I'm missing out making memories with them. That's why I secretly like going home even though I complain about it all of the time.

With recent events I've learned it's really important to cherish the times you have with the people you love because one day you can wake up and it'll all be gone.

People are here one minute and the next they're gone. You never know what life is going to throw at you. Believe me, I'd never thought I would have to go through the stuff that I've been dealt. But it happens.

There was a quote from the book, "The Road" and it goes, "You forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget." Try not to let that happen to you, kids. It's happened to me and it's a struggle.

It's ok to be nostalgic, it's ok to miss the ones you love, and it's ok to go home.

Before I sign off, give your parents a call. They'll love hearing from you and it'll make you feel better, I promise.

-Catherine

About Last Night...

The Lower East Side has always been, to put it nicely, an interesting place. I never been down there at night time until last night. Boy was that interesting.

One thing I noticed which kind of surprised me was that there were a lot of british people down there. Secondly, the homeless people there do not mess around. One homeless man was shouting sexual slurs to another male passerby. Thirdly, lots and lots of bars which creates lots and lots of drunk people who drunkly say/yell things.

For instance. I was walking with my friends to a restaurant walking towards us was a belligerently drunk man. He pointed to me, drink in hand, and said, "hey you, I like you. You're sexy. I have a video camera, (then yells) we can make a lot of money." I cannot describe how mortified, creeped out and disgusted I was. I can only imagine the expression on my face. I just kept walking and wanted to get the hell out of there.

I realized two things. One, I felt like a 60 year old yuppie who was appalled by the people and behavior of the Lower East Side. This further proves that an old woman inhibits my body. Two, at least I come off as attractive. Just saying. I sound so narcissistic but I don't get that affirmation a lot. I'm a sad person. I know. I can live with that.

It's safe to say last night was quite an adventure. I'm not sure if Granny Catherine can go for another right away. Maybe next month. Yup, that sounds good. For now I'll eat my early bird special dinners, go to the movies at a reasonable hour, and retire to bed around midnight.

Be safe kids, I know I'll try.

-Catherine

Feeling Fall

I have been loving this fall weather lately. I live for the cold weather. For me there is something romantic about bundling up. I honestly think that everyone's mood change for the better too, well, I like to believe that.

The holidays are coming up and my inner child is jumping up and down with pure joy. Just thinking about Christmas music and decorations makes me beam with happiness.

The other thing about the fall and approaching winter is that I have some sort of weird creative boost. There's something truly inspirational during this time of year for me. I don't know what it is but everywhere I seem to go I always feel inspired.

I've been taking more pictures lately and I've been really into my art class that I've been taking this semester. I even have been journaling more often than usual. Grant it, a lot of personal issues of arose in the past 2 months but since the last post I have found a sort of sense of peace.

I'm not completely put back together but I'm definitely not in the million pieces I was before. Things have a funny of working out. Through all the darkness I've been facing, through all the negativity and sheer ignorance, I have managed to find this glimmer of hope.

Just this past Tuesday I felt genuine happiness for the first time in a very long time. I think I have realized that people change for better or worse and through that change they either fall out of synch with you or remain your friend. It's a constant cycle that people circulate in and out of. I trust that I will always be surrounded by those who truly love me. I deserve nothing less. And, that's not a selfish thing to say. No one deserves people in their lives who will be a negative, emotional drain. Everyone deserves good, loving people.

Things are looking up. I hope I don't jinx it.

I hope y'all are enjoying this fall season as much as I am. Truly enjoy the people that love you and revel in every minute of time spent with them. You never know, they can be your inspiration.

Be good, kids.

-Catherine

Fast Forward

Instead of starting a paper that is for my major I thought I'd procrastinate a little more and write an update. I have a problem with procrastination. Always have. I remember even in the first grade I would do my book reports the night before they were due. Maybe I have ADD. Then again I think everyone does. This society has made us that way. I won't get into that now.

You know when people talk in retrospect of their lives and refer to something as their "dark period"? Well I never fully understood that concept. I just assumed that it referred to a rough patch in one's life. However, from what I'm experiencing now it's more than a rough patch.

Lately, life has felt like one big pile of (excuse my french) shit. Everything has seemed to be coming at me lately from every direction possible. I won't get into the details because I'm not the only with problems. I don't want to complain either because complaining is annoying.

All I want to do is scream. Just scream at the top of my lungs. But, I'm too scared. Fear is a problem too.

I go through my days just looking for a glimmer of happiness. Don't get me wrong I do see that glimmer however things have definitely changed. I find myself wondering why everything is being thrown at me at once. I just look up at the ceiling and say to myself "why now? why me?"

I honestly think God laughs at me. I worry too much and I know that but I can't help it, I'm Italian. I guess all this stuff wouldn't be happening if the big guy thought I couldn't handle it. I can. It's frustrating is all I'm getting at.

I wish life came with a fast-forward button. It would be nice to skip some parts once in a while.

I guess you could call this my "dark period". It's not so dark because I know I have family and friends that love and support me, which is comforting. But, I doesn't mean I'm welcoming anymore negative crap to happen. There's always a light, right?

Hope things are better for you, kids.

Looking at the glass half full,

Catherine