My First Midlife Crisis

I've been doing a horrible job in trying to keep this thing updated. I deeply and truly apologize.

The first month of 2011 has been extremely long and I would love for it to be over. I've been sick for the most of it. Then I started school. Everything has been quite the whirlwind.

In the past month I've been looking for jobs and internships that I can apply to for this upcoming summer. By preparing a resume and a cover letter and scouring the internet for available positions, everything has seemed to hit me all at once and it's kinda scary.

I'm getting old. I have to be a real adult soon. Two more years I'm out of my cushy college and on the streets. I have no idea what I'm doing. I have anxieties of starting a career, living on my own, being successful, finding Mr. Right, marriage, kids, philanthropy. Holy crap, I'm getting an anxiety attack just typing this.

I have always had my life planned out. I know exactly what I want and how I want my life to be. They all seem for the most part practical but then again nothing in my life never seems to go as planned. The fact that I can't ensure that my hopes will come true is not sitting well with me.

I am an extremely impatient person. Because I have no way of telling what will be of my future kills me. It drives me insane. I think about it constantly. When I pray at night I plead God to just give me a glimpse of the future. I just want to know everything will be fine. I hope I attain the things I yearn for. But I have no idea if that will happen.

Thinking about growing up is strange. When I was little I couldn't even imagine going to college. Now I'm halfway done and I can't even imagine being in the workforce. But it will eventually happen. Right? God I hope. Now it's thinking about "where will I see myself in 5 years." Just thinking about tomorrow gives me headache. How am I supposed to know where exactly I should be and what I should be doing in 5 years?

I would like to be in the journalism field, writing for a magazine perhaps. I would like to have have a nice house, husband, kids, dogs, the whole package. But I am not putting any timetable on those things. Whenever they come along I'll be extremely grateful, I'm just going to take it how it comes. All I want to know if everything's going to be all right. Fair enough I think.

If everything does fail, I do have a back up plan: move to Italy, become and English teacher in Tuscany and start a family there. Not too bad, right? We can have a villa with olive trees, a vineyard, some orchards. We can make wine, olive oil. It sounds so romantic.

Not knowing is the worst. But I guess I just have to wait it out. I'll work on the patience, maybe that will ease my pain.

I hope everyone else had a less stressful first month of the year. Thank you to all who spend the time to read this stuff. I appreciate it greatly, I just don't know how you put up with me.

Be good kids. I should be checking in soon.

-Catherine