My First Midlife Crisis

I've been doing a horrible job in trying to keep this thing updated. I deeply and truly apologize.

The first month of 2011 has been extremely long and I would love for it to be over. I've been sick for the most of it. Then I started school. Everything has been quite the whirlwind.

In the past month I've been looking for jobs and internships that I can apply to for this upcoming summer. By preparing a resume and a cover letter and scouring the internet for available positions, everything has seemed to hit me all at once and it's kinda scary.

I'm getting old. I have to be a real adult soon. Two more years I'm out of my cushy college and on the streets. I have no idea what I'm doing. I have anxieties of starting a career, living on my own, being successful, finding Mr. Right, marriage, kids, philanthropy. Holy crap, I'm getting an anxiety attack just typing this.

I have always had my life planned out. I know exactly what I want and how I want my life to be. They all seem for the most part practical but then again nothing in my life never seems to go as planned. The fact that I can't ensure that my hopes will come true is not sitting well with me.

I am an extremely impatient person. Because I have no way of telling what will be of my future kills me. It drives me insane. I think about it constantly. When I pray at night I plead God to just give me a glimpse of the future. I just want to know everything will be fine. I hope I attain the things I yearn for. But I have no idea if that will happen.

Thinking about growing up is strange. When I was little I couldn't even imagine going to college. Now I'm halfway done and I can't even imagine being in the workforce. But it will eventually happen. Right? God I hope. Now it's thinking about "where will I see myself in 5 years." Just thinking about tomorrow gives me headache. How am I supposed to know where exactly I should be and what I should be doing in 5 years?

I would like to be in the journalism field, writing for a magazine perhaps. I would like to have have a nice house, husband, kids, dogs, the whole package. But I am not putting any timetable on those things. Whenever they come along I'll be extremely grateful, I'm just going to take it how it comes. All I want to know if everything's going to be all right. Fair enough I think.

If everything does fail, I do have a back up plan: move to Italy, become and English teacher in Tuscany and start a family there. Not too bad, right? We can have a villa with olive trees, a vineyard, some orchards. We can make wine, olive oil. It sounds so romantic.

Not knowing is the worst. But I guess I just have to wait it out. I'll work on the patience, maybe that will ease my pain.

I hope everyone else had a less stressful first month of the year. Thank you to all who spend the time to read this stuff. I appreciate it greatly, I just don't know how you put up with me.

Be good kids. I should be checking in soon.

-Catherine

2011 Wishes

Dear 2011,

First off, let me just say I welcome you with open arms. I'm extremely happy to be ending the extremely long and emotional roller-coaster of a year that was 2010 and I'm ready to start anew.

I've decided to present to you, 2011, my hopes and dreams for these next 12 months.

I'd really appreciate if you don't put me through half the stress you did last year. You twisted the knife in those last few months- not cute.

Please, for the love of God, I cannot stand being unemployed another day. Give me something to work with!

I hope you make me a more patient and calmer person. God knows that I could use a little more patience. So does my family. And friends. And everyone in a 10 foot radius of me.

I'd like to meet more inspiring, fascinating people. I could use some sage advice.

I hope to do something for myself. Possibly pick up French or maybe resume piano lessons?

Please, 2011, let me pass philosophical ethics.

Also, don't let me screw up the photography thing. I want to be good at something I enjoy doing.

Fewer tears would be nice. I was looking in the mirror and I see worry lines forming. This is not a good sign for a 19-year old.

My final thoughts to you, 2011, is to let me continue to grow and love. I have hope for a lot of both. I know everything won't always be perfect but let's try for a more positive year. Please continue to give me little blessings that make me smile throughout my days- those are always pleasant surprises to crappy days.

Finally, dear 2011, I am fully prepared to take you down if you get in my way. Don't mess with a girl with an agenda. But I'll be nice about it, I promise. I am and always will be a pacifist.

Love Always,

Catherine

P.S. You better treat my lovely readers with the utmost love and respect during these next 12 months as well. Please.