HATE

oh boy, the first word I saw was "hate". What does that mean?

Time Machine

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the past. In particular, events I wish I could remember but have seemed to be completely erased from my mind.

My maternal grandmother has been going through some problems which have been reminding me a lot of my paternal grandfather. To me he was Pop-Pop and he was the best.

My grandfather died almost three years ago from complications due to dementia. I know it's been three years since he was with us but a part of me still wishes I had a time machine so I could relive the moments where everyone was happy and healthy.

With Christmas coming I think about the past a lot and all of the fun I had as a kid. Life was just free and simple. When it comes to Pop-Pop I find myself having trouble remembering things about him which terrifies me.

Pop-Pop got sick initially during the summer before I started the 7th grade, I believe, (see I can't even remember when he starting getting sick). The thing about Pop-Pop was he was this big, strong, man's man. For me, Pop-Pop had this way of mesmerizing people just with his presence. He wasn't a bullshitter. He didn't seek compliments. He worked hard. He didn't bother anyone. He loved his family. There was just something about Pop-Pop that you couldn't help but have the utmost respect for him. He was simply a great person. So, to watch him deteriorate before my eyes without being able to prevent anything from getting worse was probably the hardest thing I've had to go through.

The experience that I had with Pop-Pop was definitely a character builder and I'll leave it at that. I'm not going to lie, there were moments where I would curse God and blame him for ruining my family especially when I tried to remember pre-dementia Pop-Pop and just couldn't.

What provoked this post was an episode my grandma had today. It quite frankly scared the shit out of me and I just knew she could be heading down the same road Pop-Pop did. First I thought, "I need to remember the good." Then for some reason I was wondering what was the last Christmas I spent with Pop-Pop pre-dementia. I dwelled on it for a bit but I honestly cannot remember which breaks my heart a little.

I do, however, remember one Christmas Pop-Pop and my grandma, who, I affectionately call Nonnie, came to my house to celebrate. I don't know how old I but I'll never forget the present they got me. It was this really awesome MTV karaoke machine that was functioned as a stereo and a TV. I was full of happiness so much so I remember running around the house screaming. I thanked them endlessly and that karaoke machine became a source of great amusement for myself.

The karaoke machine is still in my house and every time I see it I can't help but smile and remember that particular day.

I do have a lot of memories about Pop-Pop. Most are fuzzy but they're there.

I know that Pop-Pop will always be with me but sometimes I wish I can have one of his bear hugs or hear his booming laugh or even get some much needed life advice.

Christmas is time for those you love and celebrating the joys and blessings we have. Pop-Pop is definitely a blessing and I am an extremely lucky person to be able to call him my grandfather. His spirit lives within me and my whole family and will continue to do so whenever I have a family of my own.

Time machines would still be good to have, however, the temptation would be too great to change things. Life works itself out for the strangest reasons. It's hard, but, I think life needs to be difficult so we can truly enjoy those moments of joy. If life was easy then everything would be boring and taken for granted. What's the fun in that?

As Christmas approaches, I hope you kids create good memories. If you're going through a rough patch, I truly know how it feels. It may not get better right away but it will, just hang in there. I'm going through one myself but you just gotta remember the good. Oh, and don't push away your family and friends, they really do know what's in your best interest.

Have a great Christmas/holiday season kids. Hopefully I'll be posting before 2011 greets us, however, if the holiday haze hits me, see you in the new year.

Until then, be safe.

-Catherine

You've Got a Friend in Me

I've decided to name this post after the Randy Newman song. This particular song has always resonated with me with its sweet words. Being an only child I've had to rely on friendships my whole life. Over the years, I had really good friends and not so good friends. But, I wouldn't ask for it any other way.

Having really good friends is probably one of the best things a person can ask for. I'm not talking about the friends that you just get drunk or high with. Or the friends that just go out with you or talk to you in class or at work. I'm talking about the friends that are basically the long lost siblings you've been searching for since birth.

You know who I'm talking about. It could be the new kid in town you met when you were in the 4th grade or the random person sitting next to year in your homeroom freshman year of high school. They are the people that have been through it all with you and have witnessed every emotional roller coster a person can possible go through. They are the people who will not judge, will not talk behind your back, will probably take a bullet for you and won't ever leave you. And you would do all the same for them in a heartbeat.

It's comforting knowing that there are people outside of family that care that much about me. I'm grateful for these very few but special people. I love being able to have a conversation with them at any given time about anything. And I love how if I haven't seen a friend in a long time we can just pick up where we left off and have fun. They are part of my support system and I really rely on them.

I don't think I understood the value of friendship for it's pureness until recently. A lot has shown me the difference between people who will stick around for a very long time, perhaps forever, and those who jump in for the ride at their convenience.

I don't regret any friendship that I've formed. They all mean something to me, they all have taught me something, and they all have helped shaped the person I've become. There are absolutely no regrets, I don't do regret. Everything happens for a reason including the people who come in and out of my life. They all represent something. This is why I wouldn't have it any other way.

So this entry is dedicated to all of my friends the ones present, the ones past, and the ones to come. Thank you for everything and I hope you know how much you mean to me.

I hope everyone has friends like I do. If not, don't worry, they'll turn up soon enough and when they do, life will be less heavy.

Be good kids.

-Catherine